It's Valentine's Day
Maybe because it's Valentine's Day, my subconscious decided
to have me dream about someone I knew many years ago last night. Someone who
was important to me and is no longer part of my life. The first thing I did
when I woke up was to check if I had him blocked on my socials. I did for some
time - to stop me from looking for him, not to stop him from looking for me (I
don't think he would have bothered) - but I don't have any blocks right now. I don't
know if he is even on the current socials. I didn't check. MySpace might have
been the "it" app when we last spoke, and I deleted everything from
MySpace and forgot my password years ago.
Because of this dream, I've spent the day ruminating on how
people come and go from our lives. Sometimes, they leave abruptly through death.
It might be natural causes -- lingering illness, or short, aggressive illness.
Or it might be suicide. I'm currently formatting a book of drawings by my
friend Alex who killed herself a few years ago. She was incredibly talented and
creative. I'm thinking about her today, too.
Whichever way death arrives, it causes a lack of closure
that can never be settled. There are still moments years later where you wish you
could share something with them, or ask them something, or hear their voice…but
you can't. Even when you know time is running short with someone, you don't always
know what you should say, or ask, to help you have some comfort once
they are gone. Do I wish I had asked my mom the name of her lawyer? Yes. Did I
know I'd desperately want that information once she was gone? No.
Sometimes people leave your life in a similarly abrupt way just
because they don't want to be part of your life anymore. Or you don't want to
be a part of their life anymore. Or you both just change and don't fit together
anymore. You don't know that the last time you are talking to someone it is the
last time you will ever talk to them. It just ends up that it was. Sometimes that's
ok. Sometimes it isn't. Or maybe it is ok for one of you, but it isn't for the
other. There's grief in this kind of loss, too. Or maybe deep regret. If I had
said something else. Written something else. Acted a different way. Been a
better person…
I don't remember when the last time I went to St. Louis was.
I saw a dear family friend - she passed away in 2014 - and saw the person I had
the dream about last night. I knew when I went that it was probably the last
time I would go to St. Louis. I think I even told myself it was my farewell
tour of St. Louis. I didn't have a reason to ever go there again after that.
My parents were both born and raised in St. Louis. Their parents
and families lived there. But they had left the state long before I was ever
born. We would go visit their families a few times a year. Or at least once a
year until my mom's mom died and my dad's mom moved to San Antonio to live with
my parents. I have a few family members still in St. Louis, or elsewhere in
Missouri, but none are close with me or my sister. I feel like the only family
I have is my sister. I only have the phone number of one aunt, and any other
family members I would have to contact through email, or Facebook, or snail
mail if I wanted to communicate with them. St. Louis is part of my past.
So today I'm grieving for lost friendships. I don't have a
Valentine, but I'm not the kind of person who needs a Valentine. Today, I'm
desperately missing the person I dreamed about. I valued his friendship and our
phone calls. I messed up. Looking back over the things I said/wrote to him at the end, I royally messed up. Wow... I'm sure I left him feeling like I was crazy and that his life was now going to be infinitely better for not having me in it. But I also forgot I had written those things. In forgetting, I felt like I didn't get a chance to say my piece... but I did. I said it all and then some.
Most days, I don't think about him. I have a full
life and as an introvert, sometimes I think I have too many friends to keep up
with. And he has a full life - the kind of life a lot of people dream about. But
those people who just stop being there…it's hard. At least for one of you it probably is.
